How to tell its over - For women

Yes ladies, it’s that time of year. Your loser guys are scrambling around turning in their lose change, squeezing their friends for cash, and opening new credit cards, all in an attempt to buy some flowers and a few dollar store items to pass off as serviceable Valentine’s Day gifts. Don’t worry, after that nag-fest you gave him last year for the hand picked flowers and dollar-menu yogurt parfaits he’s bound to do better this year. Don’t expect too much though. After all, this is the guy who reused the “sorry about your loss” card with some words crossed out for your mother’s 50th birthday. So give this list a quick run-through, and decide if it’s even worth putting stock into your man anymore. Maybe it’s better to cut your losses and run…

5) He invites your mother over for dinner.

Three months ago she was a total bitch, now she’s “sweet” and a “good-listener.” Maybe he has just turned it around, maybe he is becoming a better man, or maybe it has something to do with the tummy tuck and boob job your mom had after divorcing your dad. Sure, you love your mom, and you love the fact that he doesn’t complain about her coming over anymore. But it’s not so cool having mom over when she’s in the hot tub with your fiancée… while you were at work. Don’t worry, mom would never do anything to hurt you; although there was your prom date that she kept complementing for having a nice inseam.

4) He claims he got gyped at the drugstore.

Stranger things have happened right? Who are you to argue with this man, he loves you! When he says his 36-pack of Trojan Ultra Ribbed was mispackaged to have 23 condoms you shouldn’t judge him. A good girlfriend wouldn’t ask why his cell phone was off earlier, why he’s had a late lunch at the office three times this week, or why his ex blushed when you bumped into her last week. Of course not! Forget the fact that you’ve never used this brand of condoms, lie down and enjoy his 3 minutes of gyrations. You don’t deserve much better anyways- besides, you’ve been sleeping with his best friend for 3 months.

3) You have to ask him for sex.

Wow! Houston we have a problem! Since when does a woman have to ask for sex? Statistically speaking, men think about sex more than… well to compare it to anything else would honestly be an injustice to the amount of times we think about it every day. Let’s just say it’s a hell of a lot. So why is it that you have to ask him? Well, I could recap all of point number 4, or I could just say that your friend who called you last week lonely because she hadn’t been with a guy in 7 weeks isn’t so lonely anymore. Oh wait- your boyfriend didn’t give you that message? That is so weird!

2) You are at a nice restaurant, and it’s not a holiday, no one has died, and he hasn’t forgotten a birthday.

This guy is guilty as sin! Don’t think for a second this man is ready to get married, this isn’t one of “those” dinners. He probably ran your mother over with your car, got drunk and called your boss, or possibly threw your cat out your apartment window. Don’t panic though, just order the most overly expensive things you can before you explain to him it’s over, but not before you tell the waiter that drinks at the bar are on him while he’s busy in the restroom. Sure, you’ll feel bad if he gets down on one knee in a little bit, but at least you’ll have a funny story to tell your girlfriends next weekend at the singles bar.

1) He says anal feels more “right” for him…

Hey, some guys just love anal; there is nothing wrong with that. But when your man tells you that normal sex is “weird for him,” you should probably re-evaluate the past few months. Maybe it was believable that he was just taking pictures to track his progress for his workouts when you found him in his underwear with Vance. You never expected to find him half naked with another man when you surprised him at home during your lunch break, and come to think of it, is it really believable that Billy needed to play racquetball until 4 a.m. last week? While role-playing was your idea, you most likely had a different idea than his suggestions of wrestlers that fall in love, football players in full pads, or his latest favorite, Skipper and Gilligan.

So there you have it, five sure signs that your relationship is going down the tubes. No one ever said ending this thing was going to be easy, but have some dignity ladies. He may say hurtful things, he may even punch a hole in the wall, but all things said and done you’ve come out on top. Valentine's Day is approaching and you can be the first girl getting hit on by guys who were similarly broken up with by other woman who read this article! It’s the cycle of life, except all that weird shit about plants, animals, and photosynthesis. With any luck this guy won’t use your razor to shave his back hair, wear socks to bed, or sleep with your mom. Even if he does, you can always pull out this list and remind yourself that the grass is always greener on the other side.